Falling Slowly
by drewsapaloosa
Summary: Ever since they met, Clare's been chasing after mysterious Eli. But he's not ready. He doesn't like her. He doesn't love her. He is troubled and broken, and no one knows what's wrong. He doesn't have one friend at Degrassi, until she comes along.
1. Words Fall Through Me

I was so _fucking_ stupid. Ever since we met, ever since I accidentally rolled over her - quite ugly - glasses, which I considered a favour, actually, she's been doing nothing but _staring_ at me from the back of the classroom. She's got this crazy look in her eye like she's going to pounce at any moment. I can't trust her. I'm half kidding on that one. I think that she's good natured. But really, the grin on her face needs to be physically wiped off one way or another.

I took out my black pen, scribbling, pretending to be paying attention to this whimsical and totally nuts teacher, while I can basically _feel_ Clare Edwards' eyes tracing hearts around me. I honestly wanted to just spin around in my seat and take pencils and shove them- nevermind.

"Hey- Eli?" I heard her voice call out to me. I felt her shuffle her desk closer and her hot breath was suddenly against my neck. Oh, how uncomfortable I was.

I turned in my seat and faced her, a displeased look on my face. Why didn't I just pretend not to hear her? "Yes?" I said, my tone impatient. But she didn't take a hint. She was an oblivious girl who had her hopes set too high on someone who can't _feel_ a goddamned thing.

"Could I-uh... borrow a-uh... _black_ pen?" She smiled. I felt embarrassed, not for me, for her. I whipped my hand around and showed her.

"I used up all the ink. Sor-"

"That's okay, thanks, _Eli._" Her voice was a creepy whisper. Maybe I was just thinking too much. I don't know. I could have sworn she winked, too. But I decided just to sit back and look at the board.

I felt a nervous wave come over me, and all I wanted was to get out of the classroom.

I threw my hand up high in the air and the teacher invited me over to her desk. I explained to her how I was feeling, well, the gist of it. That I needed some air. And, when granted, I bolted out of the classroom like there was no tomorrow.

Running, I fell to a pace I could keep up with, one where I could catch my breath. I then collapsed against my locker and the one beside it, my chest heaving up and down.

Who was this girl anyway? I mean, who did she think she was? You run over her pair of glasses, tell her she has a nice set of eyes, and she's all crazy for you like a cat and a piece of chicken! All I really wanted to do was keep running forever.

But this was a small city where the sky isn't ever the limit_._

It felt like everyone wanted something from me. Okay, not quite, considering I don't really have any friends here. But I can't just keep up with all of this. I can't hand in my stupid assignments, I can't tell Clare I don't like her, I can't do _anything._ It feels like ever since... what _happened_, someone else has been in control.

I tilted my head to see if there was anyone coming, and a particular door stood out. _Guidance._ Fuck that. Who even goes there unless they want to switch their timetables around? This puzzled me. Because _Guidance_ is a load of bullshit, if you ask me. Who _really_ tells the whole-hearted truth when they go in there. Family problems? Drug and alcohol issues? It's all crap. The woman that talks to you with the late 80s hairstyle, the white pearls, - she actually dresses a lot like Holly J, now that I think of it - her weird floral skirts... You think she really gives to shits about you? She couldn't _possibly_ understand. Or help.

Not someone like me.

And as I was rolling my eyes to myself, and finally regaining all my breath, I heard an unusual, pixie-like voice.

"Skipping?"

I looked up to see a short, thin girl standing in front of me. One I have never seen before. But I'm not too observant. Plus, I've only been at Degrassi for no more than two weeks.

She had short, but curly and fiery red hair that hung at about her chin. Her eyes were cat-like, almost a yellowy-green and pointed. She wore very little makeup. Her cheeks were accompagnied with freckles and her lips were pink and shiny with saliva when she smacked them together.

_Not that I was observant, or anything._

I cleared my throat uneasily. "Nah, taking a breather." I answered solemnly, and standing up. I brushed my pants down and sighed.

"I'm Eva," She spoke, thrusting her arm forward. It was old fashioned, but of course I'd shake her hand. Her arms weren't, to my surprise, drowning in freckles. They were pale and plain. As her hand locked with mine, I couldn't help but realize that her fingers were also stained black from painting them.

I looked down to the ground, then back up when our hands disconnected.

"Eli," I told her, not sure where to rest my gaze. My eyes fell on hers, and I got that nervous wave back again.

"What grade are you in?" She wondered, her eyes scanning all over the place. Her wide grin made me just want to fall over. Why was she _staring_ like that?

"I- Eleventh Grade."

"Same here. I was in Guidance all day, just transferred!"

_Guidance. Jesus._ She was one of those _Guidance_ kids.

"Eli- Did you hear me?"

"What? Sorry?" I must have tuned out or something. Man, _what a day I was having. _

"I asked what your semester is like?"

"Oh- English, Math, Art and then Science."

"Sounds... _Wonderful._" Her sarcasm was clear. A smirk crawled across her lips and I felt my knees weaken.

"Well, luckily, I will at least see _you_ in Art." She chirped, playing with one of her curls.

Good _God._

"Alright. See you then. I sort of, should... get back to class."

"Yeah, I should probably go to my first class. Do you know where Julia is?"

"_What?_" I snapped, my eyes widenening.

"I was only asking if you knew where the World Issues class is being held? It's okay if you don't-" The innocence in her voice made me question if she was playing with me. Had I heard her actually say Julia? Did she _know_ Julia? What if they were friends? What if they were cousins or something? I felt my stomach whirl, but also thought it could have been just a minor lack of hearing on my part.

"No, sorry, I-uh, I thought you said something. It's just down the hall," I told her apologetically. I smiled thoughtfully and she made her way down the opposite hall as I walked back to English wearily.

"Hey, wait!" I called over my shoulder. _Fuck._ What the _fuck_ was I doing?

She spun around, her curls bouncing up and down as she did so.

"I'll uh- yeah. See you in Art!" I called, totally forgetting what I was going to say. Maybe I would have simply asked her for her last name, her cellphone number, something. Maybe I could finally just make a fucking friend.

I turned back around and continued making my way to the fucking hell hole that I came from. When I reached the door, I looked through the glass window and saw Clare, that kid Adam, and this one girl named Laura buzzing whispers. I spun the doorknob and entered, totally dreading this whole class.

"Hey, Eli." Clare said as I sat back in my seat. Her voice was suggestive and frankly, annoying.

"Mmm..." I mumbled, then sat on the edge of my chair, trying to get as far away from her as possible.

"Dude..." I heard Adam say as his knuckles thudded lightly against my shoulder. I grabbed his wrist and twisted it.

"Don't _fucking_ touch me-" I threatened, my eyes on his. I let him wriggle free, and returned my glance to the board.

What the hell did I just do?

Who the fuck was I becoming?

**Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed this! Please review, add to your favourites, etc. :) It means a lot to me. Do you guys like this Eva girl? And what is happening to Eli? 3 Anyway. Thanks a lot, guys!**


	2. I Don't Know You, But I Want You

I woke up in a snit. I had no tolerance for my parents, for anything. I woke up, got dressed, and was out the door. I didn't have time for talking to people I could care less about.

School was slow. The day was slower than usual. Hours passing like they have all the time in the world. In each class I watched the clock tick, until it was finally Art. I ignored everyone throughout the day, trying to keep my thoughts to myself, so today - there'd be no uproar.

I found myself having to try to get myself to _stop_ thinking because throughout the day until I wandered into my third period room, this girl Eva kept wandering into the back of my head. Her light attitude, her smirk, her dark, red hair. Everything about her just made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. In the best ways, and the... worst.

Back to present time. I walk. Every step I take is like my legs weigh thousands of pounds. I am not weightless. I am heavy and I feel like just drifting. But if I want to make a new _friend_, I'll have to just... _drift_ on over to Room 319.

And I was then rejoiced with the small art class of eighteen students. Eva was waving frantically in the corner, hurrying me over to her. "Eli!" She cooed, and suddenly my legs felt a lot less heavy.

I sat at the same art table as her, throwing my bag down beneath it.

"Hey," I said, biting my lips, forcing the ooey-gooey smile to not happen.

"How are you?"

"Better now," I admitted. "How's your second week going?"

"As good as it can get, I guess. It's _school_. It's a fucki- I mean, _it's..._ a hell hole, here. So yeah."

"I hear you," I yawned. I watched her as she took out a Princess Jasmine notebook from her bag, that someone had defaced. Mustache, unibrow and all. I chuckled to myself and watched as she opened it up to a fresh page and began writing the date. Her ink was black like her nails and her light mascara, and I watched as she finished.

"Need something?" She asked, her eyes curiously fleeting to me, then back to her notebook.

"Why?" I shot back.

"Never mind. So, are you going to get writing? There's going to be a note, if you haven't noticed." She piped up, but soon quieted down when heads turned to her.

"Eh- maybe. I forgot all my pens," I lied. I just wasn't in the mood.

She knew I was lying. I don't know how, but she raised her eyebrows and a sneaky expression appeared on her face.

"Huh," She mumbled. "Well, I'd love to go get you a spare one from my... locker."

I gaped at her and she winked. What the hell?

"Let's go." She pressed.

"The bell is going to ring in five seconds."

"Then get up!"

I pulled out my bag from underneath me and slung it over my shoulder, jumping over chairs until we rushed out the door.

Joy filled up my chest and I huffed out a huge breath.

"I actually didn't want to go to Art today," Eva said, a sheepish grin across her face.

"Why's that?"

"Well, you didn't show up all yesterday- I didn't know if you'd be there or not. Plus. It's _Art_ Class. Not like... _Killing someone._" She laughed and laughed, until they began to sound muffled. I gawked at her confused.

"Killing someone?" I repeated.

"Pardon?"

"Never mind," I muttered.

Something was wrong with me. Maybe I was lacking sleep. For the past few nights I was tossing and turning. I couldn't eat, couldn't think straight. Wait, who am I kidding, whether I eat or not, I still am not thinking correctly.

And all I can think about is Julia. Whenever someone fucking _speaks_, some little fucking _word,_ will bring me back to reality and remind me of what I did.

The crime I committed.

The person I killed.

The charges that were dropped.

The reason I moved out of town.

No one knew. No one could understand. Why? Because I never grow close enough to people. And why is that? Because I'm afraid of doing what I did to Julia, I might do to them.

I fucking killed her.

And as my eyes lay on Eva's, and as we walk, all I can think of is how I might have taken it too far with Julia. How I told her to fuck off. That she didn't deserve to have me. That she made me this way. Turned me to dark music, dark clothing. Even though I knew she didn't. And then, I pushed her. I pushed her so hard on the sidewalk that she tumbled to the ground. Her head bashed against the sidewalk. A puddle of blood pooled around my feet and her hair. It was night. It was dark. I was cold and scared. _We were alone._ And I ran.

It shook me up. I can't forgive myself. God only knows why the charges were dropped. I wish they hadn't been. I wish that I was in Juvie right now. Serving time for what I did. And now I'm all fucked up because I didn't.

I don't know which way's up, which is down. I need to fucking get out of here, and never look back.

"Eli?" Eva said, waving a pale hand in front of me.

I blinked and glanced blankly at her. "Mmm?"

"Are you going to put your number on my phone?" She asked, handing me her cellphone. It was a Blackberry. It was _nice._

"Sure."

And so I did. I looked through her contacts before adding mine in. So many names that belonged to boys. I wondered if she had a boyfriend. I wondered if she even thought I was interesting enough to have as a friend. I mean, she has all these _other_ boys to keep her company. Fuck this.

I typed in my number anyway and gave her my phone. "Put yours in too," I shrugged. In moments she returned hers. She put both her first and last name. Eva Gibson. What a harmless name.

"So. What do you want to do?" She asked, her voice thundering the empty halls.

"We should get out of here," I muttered, looking over my shoulder frantically. I was having a sense of paranoia. Like someone would catch us. Like we weren't safe. "Please?" I asked, hanging my head. I felt absolutely ridiculous. I wasn't myself anymore. Something inside me was changing.

"No worries, after you, _Elijah,_" She said in a funky voice, pulling the front door before me open wide.

I half-laughed, then scoffed, but I tried to seem okay. Happy. Like I didn't think anything was eating at me.

"Thanks, Eva."

"No problem. Really."

"Hey, Eva?" I asked, as we made our way to the courtyard.

"What is it?"

"Are we friends? I mean, I'd hate to be fucking blunt and all, woops, you know what I mean- it's just, I don't want to get all friendly and then not know that you won't hate me the next day, consistency is the best policy..."

"Don't you mean honesty?" She joked, her red curls shining underneath the sun.

I nodded nervously and cleared my throat.

"I just need an answer," I choked out wryly.

"Eli," She said, throwing a hand on my shoulder. No matter how much I wanted to throw it off, I let her keep it there. I couldn't push her away like this. "Of course we are!" She chimed, her smile reassuring absolutely nothing.

"Thanks."

"Really, Eli. It's not a problem."

And that's how we ended our day. After walking around for a bit and talking about things that really don't matter at all. We got to know each other a little bit more. I learned about her liking for cats... and all this other stuff that I completely forgot by the time I got home. But by the time I got home, she had already entered my mind one hundred and twenty seven times. Probably twenty eight, actually.

Something was coming over me. And maybe... just maybe, _Guidance_ wasn't so bad after all.

**Author's Note: Oooh. So we know SORT OF what's wrong with Eli. Any further guesses? No? No? Anyway. Please continue to R + R, you guys are amazing! :) So yeah! Two updates in one night! Crazy. So what do you think will happen next chapter? I wonder. Just kidding. I wrote this so yeah I sort of know what's going to happen. Sorry for rambling. THANKS FOR READING GUYS! **


	3. Take This Sinking Boat

"Mr. Goldsworthy, we've tested you, we've questioned you, we've _taken_ you to the hospital to get your _blood_ taken if there's actually something physically wrong with you-"

"What is it? Just _tell_ me what's fuc- I... _Just_ _tell me_." I droned, trying to sound as polite as possible. The Guidance counselor, Helen, stood in front of me and pressed her hands to her eyes, obviously dreading what she had to tell me.

In the office, with her, was my family doctor; Dr. Martin, my dad, and Mr. Simpson. I twiddled my thumbs as they all looked down at me.

I looked up and let my eyes fall on Helen. She sighed and let her hands fall.

"Elijah- you mentioned voices, and feeling like- like someone is trying to get at you,"

I nodded.

"It seems, from what you've told us... you could be..." Helen echoed, her voice cracking. She was obviously nervous. She was a _counselor._ Couldn't she at least _act_ professional?

"Elijah-" My dad cut in, and Helen fell back against her desk, the least bit relieved. There was obvious hesitation in his voice. The kind that made me feel like collapsing and never resurfacing. I let him finish his apparent thought that he was stuck in, but no further words were said.

"What the _hell_ is going on with me? I fucking _killed_ my girlfriend, I am going _crazy_!" I fumed, smacking the small bookshelf closest to me. I was worked up all of a sudden. Unable to control my temper. When my fist hit the small wooden plank, books rained down to the ground. My father grabbed my shoulders, in hopes to calm me. I pushed him off and stared angrily at the four of them.

"Eli," Mr. Simpson interrupted. Then I was calm. I could handle this.

"What we've come across are some- shocking, and early symptoms and signs of what we call, er-" Dr. Martin was stammering like a complete idiot. "Paranoid Schizophrenia."

I _knew_ I _had_ to be hallucinating. Like this was one of those shitty pranks that happen on TV. But as the words rang out in the back of mind. It made so much sense. And I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't fucking _believe_ that.

"No-" I whispered. I took a few steps and paced in the small room. My forehead was somehow unseemingly sweaty and I felt the sensation of naseau. I took my hand and placed it hard against my temple. This wasn't happening.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, why don't you just-"

"Shut up! Make it _go away!_"

"Eli- there's nothing we can do except ther-" Mr. Simpson tried to hold me back but I was already out of control. Spiraling into something I feared. _My real self. _

"I _said: _Make it _go away!_ Was I unclear?"

"Elijah Goldsworthy!" My dad ordered, and his arms thudded across my waist, him attempting to hold me back. What a fucking _moron._

Soon my pacing began to speed up as I got free from my dad. I pushed them all out of my way and pushed past the doors. This wasn't happening. I was _dreaming._

I was going to take all of my fucking _shit_ from my fucking _locker_ and fucking _dump it. _

As I walked speedily to my locker, I bumped hard into Clare. The stupid bitch.

"What the hell, Clare?" I sneered, my eyes wide with crazy, I bet.

"Hey, Eli," She purred.

What the hell?

"I said, what the hell!" I screamed, darting past her.

I heard following footsteps and she came running up behind me.

"Get the fuck away from me!" I panted, throwing an arm out from behind, trying to get her away.

"Eli, what's up with you?" She pestered, her cheeks pink with glee and innocence. I wanted to take her head and fucking throw it against the goddamn _wall._

"I'm fucking CRAZY, _Clare._ Haven't you heard? Oh, yes, I suppose you might have missed the memo. But now you've gotten it. I'm. Fucking. _Psycho._" I pressed, taking a large step toward her. She finally backed up, cowarding.

"Just fuck off," I hissed. And she finally did. With her stupid little curls and her stupid little sweater and her stupid sneakers and her stupid fucking face.

As I whipped around to finally get to my fucking locker, Eva was staring me right in the face. Her curious gold eyes looking me up and down.

"Wow, you have the mouth of a sailor, don't you?" She gibbered in her fucking pixie-voice.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." I muttered, scrambling with my lock, turning the dial. My shitty locker finally swung open on the rusty hinges, and I looked around. I needed a garbage bag or something.

"Hey- what's up with you?" She asked, the sincerity in her voice made me think of kittens. I _can't stand_ kittens.

"Nothing, does something _always_ have to be up with _crazy, crazy _Eli? Fuck." I groaned, taking out my backpack first and dumping everything from my locker into it.

"Eli, I thought we were going to be friends," She said, her voice dark and sad. Too bad I didn't fucking care.

"Yeah, well, sure. We're _friends. _How fucking _sweet and sugary _is that?"

"You're the one who wanted consistency, remember that?"

Fuck.

Her and her good memory.

"Eva- I'm sorry." I lied.

"Me too. Now what are you doing?" She frowned. Why did she even care? She didn't know anything about me. Other than that I really like this band Dead Hand.

"I'm fucking taking this stupid shit and throwing it in the fucking garbage because that's what my life is. _Garbage._ Now- what a fucking _beautiful_ metaphor that is! I'm a genius!" I caroled sarcastically.

Eva lifted her small hand and placed it on my chest, making me immediately drop my bag.

"Calm down," She said simply. I took a deep breath. "You're not crazy, Eli."

"Eva- you don't know me, I-"

"Eli, please." She advised.

So I shut up. And waited. Until her smooth hand finally ran off my torso.

"You want to talk?" She mused. It was fucking _clear as day_ that it was _she_ who was up for this stupid activity called talking or whatever. Like she expected me to spill my guts to some stranger.

"Not really," I said honestly, shrugging.

"Well, why don't we just sit?"

I dropped to the floor and sprawled my legs out.

Moments went by before someone spoke.

"Now, how are you crazy? I think you're just the cool guy with a good taste in music," She stressed, her voice kind. I still wanted to throw up all over the floor.

"I'm not a cool guy. A _cool_ guy doesn't-"

And I stopped.

_Doesn't kill people._ I thought.

"Doesn't what?" She prodded, tilting her head in confusion.

"Doesn't hurt people. Doesn't hear voices in the back of their head."

Suddenly her jaw hung low and she shut it shortly after.

"I doubt you hurt anyone," She objected shakily.

"Eva- I killed somebody." I blurted out of no where. What a fucking _idiot_ I was. But, for some reason, I didn't feel guilty. Or worried. Or anything for telling her. Somehow, I knew, she wouldn't run off telling everyone.

An unsteady cough came from her lips. I turned my head to look at her more clearly.

"Y-You're kidding me, right?"

"I'm fucking not. I'm not right, Eva. You don't _want_ to hang out with me. I killed someone. My girlfriend. Now I'm all _fucked_ because of it," I murmured.

"Your girlfriend?"

"It was accidental."

"I get it, Eli. But you're not crazy."

"I fucking am, you don't even _know me._"

"Am I crazy?" She asked me, lifting up her sleeves. My eyes widened and I bit my lip. I couldn't speak.

On her soft, pale, white arms were burn marks, cuts, and all sorts of bruises. The slits were deeply and obviousy carefully created. The burns messy and scattered. The bruises were the worst. Green and purple, covering the insides of her arms like the scales of a fish.

"Eva- w-why?" I asked curiously. I felt so sick.

"I'm crazy. I know the feeling you're feeling."

The two of us didn't say much after that.

But moments later I decided to tell her about Julia. I could feel the actual fucking stress being released. It was great.

With wide, golden eyes, she just stared.

"And now, these voices." I added.

"I hear them too," She whispered beneath her breath.

What. The. _Fuck._

"Excuse me?"

"Eli- you're never alone."

"What the hell?"

"I've heard them since I was thirteen. When I witnessed-"

And there it was. A single, silver tear. Falling down the slopes of her freckly cheeks.

"Don't," I cautioned. She didn't _have_ to tell me.

She sniffled loudly, clearing her throat too.

"Sorry," She mumbled slowly.

"It's fine," I choked.

"I just, I lost my mom to my step-dad, and that's why I'm in a group-home. The pain sometimes goes away. After cutting. Or on those days you forget, but... the voices _are always there._" She warned, but it was somehow comforting. Eva then threw one of her arms around my neck and played with the ends of my hair, trying to calm me.

"I can't tell anyone- not this. Not that I'm a schiz." I chatted nervously, my eyes fleeting to her and then to my feet.

"I never told anyone, but look where that got me," She chuckled sadly, then rolling her sleeves back down.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable again.

"Y-you mean, people know?" I wondered.

She nodded solemnly.

"About you being..."

Another nod.

"I can't do that."

She shrugged.

And then the first bell rang.

But all of this talking changed my mind for shit. I wasn't going to that class. I was _still _fucking _nuts_ no matter what Eva had to say. I still had that fucking disorder that I did twenty minutes ago.

So after Eva was down the other hall, I took the rest of the stupid shit I had in my locker and tossed it.

I was losing it. Losing _myself._

But then again, how can you _lose_ something if you never really _knew_ what it was?

**Author's Note: HEY GUYS! HOPE YOU LIKED THAT CHAPTER! Hope it explains a few things. :) I also hope you guys liked it! Please continue to turn your alert on, there will be more! Thank you for your kind reviews! Keep it up guys, that's the only way you're going to get more. :) **


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